Been a while! But how about turning over a new leaf?

It's been a long time since I wrote! My laptop got a really nasty virus, so I had to wait until BF could fix it...short version, it was a program that runs before the OS does, so most anti-virus can't find it.  But it's all fixed now!  So let's see what is new...

I did get an emotional support animal, a fancy rat named Tribble (yes, after tribbles from Star Trek).  He is a little mama's boy and can't get enough love.  I know that most rats do best when kept with another, but a) it's difficult enough to get the letter for one pet and b) he gets handled so much that he doesn't get lonely.  The cats don't know what to think of him...Tesla is scared of him and Nikola likes him (his tail, at least...).

My sister-in-law sells Le-Vel Thrive and sent me a free trial pack, so I started that this morning...The shake tasted good, better than Slimfast, though a little powdery on the tongue.  It's just a pill, a shake, and a patch in the morning and you're done.  I'll track how it goes and post an entry after the four day trial.

I got a new job across the street and have orientation Tuesday.  I'm debating if I want to leave my old job entirely or drop down to one shift a week, just to supplement and such.  On the one hand, It would be an extra $150ish a month, but on the other hand, I don't know if it is worth it to stay there.  After all, I would still be driving there and back, which takes up a car and gas money.  Plus, the new job has a better income and has more chance to advance, not to mention that the other employees there seem happier than at the current job.

I also recently found out how to design my own texture packs for Minecraft, so I've been doing that to help my anxiety. After I get GIMP installed I'm planning to completely redo every block to my own fun designs.  I can't find very many happy designs that aren't just pink and purple.  If I can figure it out, after I fully finish I'll post a link to download it for free.  Then everyone can have a fun pack!

Dealing with the stress

As I may have stated in a previous post, I am taking the semester off from college due to financial issues as well as mental health issues.  I was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma and it has been causing issues ever since for me, in my personal life, education, and work. On some days, it isn't an issue at all and I can enjoy life.  On other days, however, I can hardly function.  One day, Aylin may say something that is funny and doesn't cause a single issue.  The next day it may act as a trigger and sent me into a full-blown panic attack.  This obviously is not a healthy situation for anyone and Aylin has requested (and BF has agreed) that I should try to spend the semester off working on improving my mental health as well as crafts in an effort to start a crafting business.  After some research, I may have come up with an idea to greatly reduce panic attacks and anxiety. 

Some people have what are called psychiatric service dogs.  These are dogs which are trained to help people with psychiatric illnesses, such as PTSD or autism.  These dogs are considered the same as seeing eye dogs or seizure-detecting dogs and are allowed anywhere their handler can go.  There are also animals called Emotional Support Animals.  These are animals which are not trained beyond house breaking and "public manners". These animals are not covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and are only protected in housing situations.  Now, both Aylin and BF do NOT like dogs, so having a psychiatric service dog is not a possibility for me.  But a trained emotional support animal/psychiatric service not-dog has the possibility to help me with daily life.  I have a few "tells" before a panic attack fully hits and it would be easy to train an animal to notice and prevent or lessen the attacks.  I spoke to both Aylin and BF and they have both agreed that, assuming I can get the paperwork side completed, they fully support me getting a rabbit and training it to recognize my "tells".  I have done extensive animal training with dogs (my parents' dogs have commands that only I know that I taught them for emergencies) and have done a lot of studying on if it is possible to do. 

While I know this is a big thing to do, I can see how it would greatly help me...for instance, I am now willing to go to a therapy appointment in order to begin the process.  I will also be reaching out to the college after a little bit in an effort to be accommodated in having an animal accompany me to classes.  One of the issues I constantly had with classes before was trying to work up the courage to attend classes every day.  But I know from previous experience that having an animal with me helps to diffuse this anxiety.  According to my college's reasonable accommodation information, having an ESA with me in class is considered reasonable accommodation, seeing as it has no impact on the course, does not affect the health and safety of others, and my issues with anxiety greatly impede my ability to even attend classes, let alone learn in them. I will be beginning the process of finding a therapist soon and hopefully will be able to make progress on my mental health.

butterfly blanket update #1

I've been working on the butterfly afghan quite a bit lately.  I finally settled on colors for all the butterflies and a layout, though i still have to decide on the filler square design. I finished the 12th square earlier tonight. I would have progressed further, but unfortunately had a pretty severe panic attack this morning that had me thrown off all day.  Here are the squares I've done so far:

 I finished 2 reds...

 Two pinks... (they show up much better in real life)

 One golden...

 One sage...

 Two light blues...

 Two royal blues...

One green...

  And one varigated...

I don't know if I'm fully sold on the variegated and may decide to pick up purple instead for it...I'll have to stare at it for a while later to decide.

yarn is not a healthy coping mechanism

So in a previous post I mentioned starting work on a new afghan. This is the firat square i completed.

The overall plan is to make 40 butterfly squares and checkerboard them with plain squares to fit a queen size bed. I just started work on the 10th square tonight. Now, this may be a good thing for some, but unfortunately I realized I am using crocheting as a coping mechanism for emotional stresses. It isn't healthy, but it is what has been keeping me stable lately.

So what emotional stressors are there? I mean, I have two amazing partners who support me in everything, I have my pets, I have two jobs, I should be happy. But there is one stressor that I haven't been able to cope with. Death. In the last year, I lost both of my grandfathers to illness, one in August and the other in April. The one year anniversary is approaching of the death of DzaDza... My paternal grandfather... And it has been stirring up emotions...a lot of emotions...

I never got the chance to have a strong relationship with DzaDza because of familial disputes, primarily religious. He never had the chance to meet my primary partner or see me really after I graduated high school. The last time I saw him was in 2010 for my younger sister's graduation, but his health had already begun to decline. When we went to his funeral, I had to face emotions I was not comfortable with...hurt, anger, sorrow, loss. I was so angry that my cousins had a relationship with him, that my cousin's boyfriend knew my grandfather better than I did. I was angry at the parents who allowed their children to run and play during the viewing. I was hurt that my mother and grandmother's disputes had stopped a relationship from forming. Loss that he would never meet Aylin, see how happy she makes me...

DzaDza's funeral was the first I attended. He had served in the military and was interred in a military cemetary, complete with a flag ceremony, marines, and 21 gun salute. I randomly tear up during military funerals on TV and in movies now. Random memories pop up from when I was younger, thoughts of what he will never get to see. It's hard to deal with...hence the yarn obsession lately. It is therapeutic to just hide in the yarn and forget the world for a little while. But I know it isn't healthy...hiding isn't right...but for now, it's what is working.

Yay teddy bear dresses and crocheting!

I love my stuffies, so it is only natural for me to want to make cute outfits for them as well.  I've now made 4 different outfits over the past 3 days for some of the bears in the apartment.  So let's have a little photo shoot! (Note that I haven't photographed all of them yet)

 

This is Stud Lee in a new outfit...It's actually a dark grey, but it looks black in the photo.  It's designed to look like an old pilgrim outfit, but I have plans to make several more in different color combos and styles to make "Little House on the Prairie" outfits.

This is one of my partner's teddy bears wearing another outfit.  It has a lilac tutu attached to an amethyst crocheted top. Plus, matching shoes that tie like little slippers!

 

I also made a dress styled after Cinderella from the disney cartoon in light blue with white details...I'm planning to make little slippers in the same shade of blue to match. 

The last outfit I made was a hot pink and royal blue dress with a matching sun hat.  Miss Cuddles gets to wear that outfit!

I'm going to try to add more photos as I take them.  I also started an afghan to help use up my stashed yarn so I can justify getting more.  I'm debating on the design.  I know I will use a butterfly design for one square, but I am unsure whether I will use a solid square with it or use a fun tiara square I found...either way I will checkerboard them together, so I will have to see what my mood is after I finish some of the butterfly squares.

Silver linings

I heard back from the store I applied to and was told they were not going to set up a second interview with me.  No reason, just that they wouldn't.  I will admit, I was upset by this, but it wasn't only for not getting a chance at the job.  It was because I don't know what I did wrong.  After thinking about it for a while, I think I have figured out what went wrong: During the interview, the lead interviewer was focused on my retail experience while the secondary interviewer was focused on my experience with children.  I cannot focus only on making money, as much as I wish I could...I am more people oriented.  If that is the reason they did not want me, then that's what it will be.  While I wish that I had gotten the job, I am also proud of myself for doing my best to represent myself accurately.  I am proud of myself for being people oriented and not focusing on pushing people to buy things they don't need or want. 

I also found out today that the manager at my current job will likely be stepping down as a manager within the next few months.  While a part of me feels bad for her for all of the personal issues she is facing, another part of me was very happy to hear this.  I try to remember the "rule of three" and that when someone is mean or rude to me to stay kind and happy...that they will suffer later... I have dealt with this manager being rude and unkind to me, tried to stay positive (even though I didn't always succeed), and when that failed, just grit my teeth.  For the time being, I will continue to try to work with this manager when scheduled to, but continue to look for other employment/supplementary employment. When I mentioned to a different manager that I had applied for a second job/replacement job, they were very supportive and offered to act as a reference for me, which reminded me that I AM a good employee and that the other company is losing out by not hiring me.

Revelations and New Beginnings

I have worked at my current job for almost a year.  This location has a policy that after you have been there for a year you can apply to become a manager, which I had been hoping to do.  Lately however, I have been under so much stress from management changes that I almost allowed a huge part of me to die. 

It started with little changes in my personality...I was a little less cuddly, I wanted to sleep in a separate room from my partners, I didn't want to eat foods I normally was eager for, I didn't want to do any crafting that I normally would do...But it was worrisome for my partners.  They were seeing the changes but I wasn't willing to see them.  I wrote them off as short-term differences caused by individual events (I don't want food because I ate lunch today, I want to sleep in the other room because I want to stay up later, etc.). 

This weekend it all came to a head.  Gwen joined me at a little munch (she was being nice and driving me so I could focus on having fun). She said she wanted to leave at 2:30, but she was so tired she fell asleep. When she woke up at 2:40, she was upset that we had not left sooner and we left soon after.  While in the car she explained that she was dealing with stress from work and needed to have time to just relax without responsibilities.  We came up with a solution and I went to work in a happy mood.  Work was stressful, as usual when a certain manager is there, and I got out slightly stressed at close.  Gwen had spoken to Aylin while I was at work with the goal of keeping Aylin informed of what was going on.  Aylin misunderstood and, in an effort to be helpful, tried to talk to me in the car about what had happened.  When we got home, I cleaned obsessively until stopped (they knew something was wrong).  We all talked about the situation and in my stressed state, I decided that the only way to fix everything was to stop being a little.  My solution was to just shut away that part of me, ignore and suppress it.  In my mind, the things that were upsetting everyone were all being caused by my going to the munch that day, by my being a little.  I refused to touch my coloring books, refused to touch my stuffies, even refused to cuddle one, despite the fact that I cannot sleep without them.  This resulted in not sleeping/not reaching REM cycle for two nights...I can hardly function on less that 6 hours a night.  I didn't want to eat, shower, move, do anything.  In short, I was pretty much destroying myself over this.

I worked Sunday with the same manager. I had minimal rest, was in a blank mood state (Imagine feeling nothing, wanting nothing, needing nothing...just being completely blank inside), and to top it off, was working with staff who I could not connect with.  While the manager was being very passive aggressive, not speaking to me other than to yell my name to run the register or to open a jewelry case, the other associate on duty was actively avoiding any interaction with me, glaring at me any time she looked at me, sighing heavily when she had to do more work than she felt she should do.  By the time I left work that day, I felt as though I had worked 12 hours, not 4.  I was exhausted, drained, and just wanted to get away from them.  I almost just walked out of work.  I went home and again, minimal sleep.  I woke up even more exhausted than before and soon received a message asking me to come in for an extra shift.  It was a manager who I get along with and I knew he needed the help, so I agreed to go in, despite knowing I would have to work with the manager from the day before.  She was marginally more civil to me, opting to not speak to me more than twice. 

I thought about it when I got home.  I debated and hemmed and hawwed over it.  Then I came to a realization.  This manager would never sign off on my applying for management positions...so that avenue was likely closed to me.  This manager is in charge of the schedule and has consistently placed me at too few hours for me to stay at this job (I was hired in for ~12+ hours a week and have been getting 4-8 hours a week, tops).  I decided that I would apply for a new job that I would enjoy.  I was unsure, wondering if it was the right thing to do, was I making a mistake? As soon as I hit the submit button I knew...I could actually feel a weight lift from me and was already happier.  I wanted to try cuddling my stuffies again. And then it hit me...

The stress I had been feeling, the little changes I had ignored, blaming my little self for problems...it was all from this manager.  She had actually managed to force me to start destroying myself because of the stress she caused me.  Submitting that application was the right thing to do.  Even if they don't hire me, I now know where the stress was coming from.  I now know that the potential for a management position down the road is not worth risking my health and well-being.  Changing jobs will not make others think less of me or judge me, and those who would judge me don't matter.

Though I really do want the new job...I would get to play with stuffies all day :)