yarn is not a healthy coping mechanism

So in a previous post I mentioned starting work on a new afghan. This is the firat square i completed.

The overall plan is to make 40 butterfly squares and checkerboard them with plain squares to fit a queen size bed. I just started work on the 10th square tonight. Now, this may be a good thing for some, but unfortunately I realized I am using crocheting as a coping mechanism for emotional stresses. It isn't healthy, but it is what has been keeping me stable lately.

So what emotional stressors are there? I mean, I have two amazing partners who support me in everything, I have my pets, I have two jobs, I should be happy. But there is one stressor that I haven't been able to cope with. Death. In the last year, I lost both of my grandfathers to illness, one in August and the other in April. The one year anniversary is approaching of the death of DzaDza... My paternal grandfather... And it has been stirring up emotions...a lot of emotions...

I never got the chance to have a strong relationship with DzaDza because of familial disputes, primarily religious. He never had the chance to meet my primary partner or see me really after I graduated high school. The last time I saw him was in 2010 for my younger sister's graduation, but his health had already begun to decline. When we went to his funeral, I had to face emotions I was not comfortable with...hurt, anger, sorrow, loss. I was so angry that my cousins had a relationship with him, that my cousin's boyfriend knew my grandfather better than I did. I was angry at the parents who allowed their children to run and play during the viewing. I was hurt that my mother and grandmother's disputes had stopped a relationship from forming. Loss that he would never meet Aylin, see how happy she makes me...

DzaDza's funeral was the first I attended. He had served in the military and was interred in a military cemetary, complete with a flag ceremony, marines, and 21 gun salute. I randomly tear up during military funerals on TV and in movies now. Random memories pop up from when I was younger, thoughts of what he will never get to see. It's hard to deal with...hence the yarn obsession lately. It is therapeutic to just hide in the yarn and forget the world for a little while. But I know it isn't healthy...hiding isn't right...but for now, it's what is working.