I have worked at my current job for almost a year. This location has a policy that after you have been there for a year you can apply to become a manager, which I had been hoping to do. Lately however, I have been under so much stress from management changes that I almost allowed a huge part of me to die.
It started with little changes in my personality...I was a little less cuddly, I wanted to sleep in a separate room from my partners, I didn't want to eat foods I normally was eager for, I didn't want to do any crafting that I normally would do...But it was worrisome for my partners. They were seeing the changes but I wasn't willing to see them. I wrote them off as short-term differences caused by individual events (I don't want food because I ate lunch today, I want to sleep in the other room because I want to stay up later, etc.).
This weekend it all came to a head. Gwen joined me at a little munch (she was being nice and driving me so I could focus on having fun). She said she wanted to leave at 2:30, but she was so tired she fell asleep. When she woke up at 2:40, she was upset that we had not left sooner and we left soon after. While in the car she explained that she was dealing with stress from work and needed to have time to just relax without responsibilities. We came up with a solution and I went to work in a happy mood. Work was stressful, as usual when a certain manager is there, and I got out slightly stressed at close. Gwen had spoken to Aylin while I was at work with the goal of keeping Aylin informed of what was going on. Aylin misunderstood and, in an effort to be helpful, tried to talk to me in the car about what had happened. When we got home, I cleaned obsessively until stopped (they knew something was wrong). We all talked about the situation and in my stressed state, I decided that the only way to fix everything was to stop being a little. My solution was to just shut away that part of me, ignore and suppress it. In my mind, the things that were upsetting everyone were all being caused by my going to the munch that day, by my being a little. I refused to touch my coloring books, refused to touch my stuffies, even refused to cuddle one, despite the fact that I cannot sleep without them. This resulted in not sleeping/not reaching REM cycle for two nights...I can hardly function on less that 6 hours a night. I didn't want to eat, shower, move, do anything. In short, I was pretty much destroying myself over this.
I worked Sunday with the same manager. I had minimal rest, was in a blank mood state (Imagine feeling nothing, wanting nothing, needing nothing...just being completely blank inside), and to top it off, was working with staff who I could not connect with. While the manager was being very passive aggressive, not speaking to me other than to yell my name to run the register or to open a jewelry case, the other associate on duty was actively avoiding any interaction with me, glaring at me any time she looked at me, sighing heavily when she had to do more work than she felt she should do. By the time I left work that day, I felt as though I had worked 12 hours, not 4. I was exhausted, drained, and just wanted to get away from them. I almost just walked out of work. I went home and again, minimal sleep. I woke up even more exhausted than before and soon received a message asking me to come in for an extra shift. It was a manager who I get along with and I knew he needed the help, so I agreed to go in, despite knowing I would have to work with the manager from the day before. She was marginally more civil to me, opting to not speak to me more than twice.
I thought about it when I got home. I debated and hemmed and hawwed over it. Then I came to a realization. This manager would never sign off on my applying for management positions...so that avenue was likely closed to me. This manager is in charge of the schedule and has consistently placed me at too few hours for me to stay at this job (I was hired in for ~12+ hours a week and have been getting 4-8 hours a week, tops). I decided that I would apply for a new job that I would enjoy. I was unsure, wondering if it was the right thing to do, was I making a mistake? As soon as I hit the submit button I knew...I could actually feel a weight lift from me and was already happier. I wanted to try cuddling my stuffies again. And then it hit me...
The stress I had been feeling, the little changes I had ignored, blaming my little self for problems...it was all from this manager. She had actually managed to force me to start destroying myself because of the stress she caused me. Submitting that application was the right thing to do. Even if they don't hire me, I now know where the stress was coming from. I now know that the potential for a management position down the road is not worth risking my health and well-being. Changing jobs will not make others think less of me or judge me, and those who would judge me don't matter.
Though I really do want the new job...I would get to play with stuffies all day :)
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